Awaiting to Awake
by RagChinaDoll
Summary: He frequently practiced patience. His mother had told him that having the patience of a saint was hard to attaché but when you did the world would seem brighter. One agent contemplates what he has done for the IMF, for his friends, as he faces his own mortality. Three-chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Good day to you all. You wonderful people get to enjoy the fruits of an angry/sad/ill tree. I use writing to get things out of my system. In fact most of my stories were written or started at times when I was going through some really dark times. **

**Anyhow, I remembered a snippet I sent to PeggsterLover on Tumblr a while back. She had mentioned on a picture, of Simon Pegg backstage on Doctor Who, how she'd love to see it incorporated in a story. Of course my plot bunny (lovingly named Buh) came up with a few ideas and I sent the best to her. **

**Here is the full story. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Mission Impossible or anything else mentioned. **

**Waiting To Awake**

He frequently practiced patience. His mother had told him that having the patience of a saint was hard to attaché but when you did the world would seem brighter. When he was younger the world seemed to be so bright. The tree he planted would never be tampered with, his parents would be there for him no matter what, and his friends would be his friends forever.

But he was naïve to think nothing bad would happen.

His tree was knocked down along with the house he had grown up in when developers brought his families land. Soon after his mother's death his father passed away from a broken heart. He'd only a handful of friends left, four to be précis, some of his old friends would call to catch up and they'd arrange to meet but something would come up.

But he tried to be patience for most things. He had patiently waited for an opening with IMF, waiting to become a field agent and to find the answers they looked for. But at times he felt as though what his mother had told him was a lie.

With the job they had it was harder and harder each day to see any light in the world. The terrible things people did to each other, sometimes even their family, for money, power, to gain an advantage over another. Sometimes he was sickened by what they could do. Sometimes he was sickened by what he had to do.

When he thought about the things that had done in the past, the horrible things that he had done in the past, his mother's voice would speak to him saying, _"__Benjamin Dunn what have you become?"_

Standing in this freezing room he couldn't help but think this was the way the world was making him pay. For the choices that he's made, for the mistakes, for fooling himself he was doing the right thing when in fact…

He looked down at his hands and breathed in shock, they had almost turned completely white in colour. He felt like the temperature in the refrigerator was rising but the scientist in him was yelling that that was a bad sign.

He was pretty sure that ice was forming on his beard. He had gone undercover as an investor looking for shares in the food market. Their mark Steven Dams, the owner of a company who was distributing contaminated food products that had resulted in thus far seven deaths, was running an open evening for possible investors. So Benji was sent in undercover because he looked smart and knew the jargon, to put it in Brandt's words.

He had a month to plan for the role he had to play for hopefully only one week. He had grown a beard trying to change him to look someone he wasn't. He didn't want to look too much like himself. When he was in the lab and had worked with the undercover agents he had noticed them slowly change over time into the character they were playing. He wanted to make the person he was becoming, for however long a time he was, different from himself.

Because he was going undercover, without a mask, Jane would be working behind his computer. He had taught her some basic skills he knew she may need. Brandt was leading the mission, coming up with all the plans since he had indepth knowledge of how the company worked, while Ethan helped out in any way he could mostly watching look out for Benji.

"Benji!" Ethan yelled as he jumped down another set of stairs. "We're coming for you."

"Oh…ka…" he stuttered pulling his tight black suit jacket closer to his chest. "Na.. ger…ing an…ew…ear.." his words were becoming more slurred and broken. He needed out of her and soon.

He should have seen the moment things started to fall apart. Steven had lead him down here under the assumption he was being shown some of the company's products. He must have been knocked out because he awoke in this freezing space with a splitting headache.

He breathed out, seeing his breath in the sub-zero atmosphere, he leaned against the walls and allowed gravity to pull him down. He couldn't stand standing anymore. He wanted to sleep.

He closed his eyes.

He wasn't aware of Ethan and Brandt pulling the door open or dragging him out of the room.

**End of Part One**

**PS. This is what happens when I'm ill. **

**Please Review, they help. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own or make any profit from these characters just playing with them because I wished I did.**

Thank to me being in a positive mood, thanks to my Maths results, I have worked extra hard today to get this chapter out for you all. Hope you enjoy and that it was worth the wait.

I also wanted to get this out before going on holiday, first time in years, which is why it might seem rushed.

**Part Two**

He could no longer count on one hand the amount of lives he ended.

Seven lives had been ended by his own hands. And he didn't want to do the maths on the deaths he had helped others commit.

When he had started in this job, he naively thought he would be helping people. But in the end even the best of intentions ended in pain.

Sometimes innocent blood was spelt.

His first field assignment, before becoming an agent and not a lab employee, was evidence of this. A nineteen year old university student shot in the chest, resulting in permanent disability, was evidence of that.

He didn't know whose bullet had struck the young man down, he didn't want to know, but the man was injured because of him. Because whose ever bullet it was they all had blood on their hands.

The air got thicker.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\

"Benji!" Ethan yelled jumping down another set of stairs. "We're coming for you." His chest was burning as he ran but only served to spur him to move faster.

'_How did this happen?'_ He asked himself. He didn't know how but he knew why. Their target had somehow found out that Benji was an IMF agent and lend him into danger.

"Oh…ka…" Benji stuttered in reply. Ethan was surprised with Benji's reply, when he had tried to get him elater his only reply was static. "Na.. ger…ing an…ew…ear.." Ethan could hear his words becoming more slurred and broken. He quickened his pace.

The mission had been planned out for them, even their parts in the plan had been allocated with no chance of change, which lead them to this situation. They had very few bits of information to work from, only an informant who needed protection, a mark who needed to be captured, and one man to go undercover. Benji was chosen to be that man, Brandt went under as a waiter, He and Jane were to be left outside in the back of a command truck.

"_Take the next door on your right,"_ Jane informed them.

Reaching the door he span the wheel, the doors handle and locking mechanism, until he heard the three clicks indicating the door unlocking.

He paused.

Cold air rushed out of the room breezing passed his face. He could see the air clearing around him. As his eyes adjusted to the frozen white room he saw the figure on the floor bridging a gap between the white.

"Benji!"

He all but jumped the few steps between himself and Benji before falling to his knees. "Benji," he said softly shaking his friends shoulders.

"We need to get him out," Brandt said falling to his knees beside the two men.

They moved in silences. Brandt placed his hands under Benji's armpits while Ethan hugged Benji's knees. Together they dragged Benji from the cold clutches of the freezer. Placing him gentle onto the floor, Brandt checked for a pulse while Ethan pulled of his jacket and placed it over Benji's still form.

"Benji, can you hear me?" Ethan asked slightly tapping Benji's face. "We need to get him warmed up and out of here."

"_I've got that covered," _Jane said. _"I'm getting into position now. Down the corridor is a fire exit, I'm about to set of the alarm. The van is outside the exit. Hurry."_

"You go ahead, I've got Benji," Brandt said hooking Benji arm around his neck and position his left under his knees.

"Stay with us."

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\-\\

There are three questions you are asked before making the transition from laboratory to field assignments.

Question one was: "You understand should you be captured, die, or for whatever reason left behind, it will not be IMF responsibility to assist you. You will be disavowed and no one from IMF will deny any connection to you. Are you prepared for that situation?" his answer was "Yes," when in all honest he wasn't sure he was prepared.

Question two was: "Are you prepared to lie to love ones about what you do?" that was a heart-breaking question to answer. "Yes." Yes he was prepared to lie to his loved one. He had to protect them even if they hated him.

Question three: "Are you prepared to take the life other your teammates or of the enemy?" he took the longest to answer that question. He was sure you could never be prepared to take the life of another person. He couldn't see the pain of greave on another person's face because he caused the death of a loved one. He answered with, "If I am forced to take the life of one person in order to protect those of everyone around me. My answer will always be yes."

His answers were considered before he graduated from lab rat to field mice.

They lost an agent on his first mission. Although he was not responsible for the death he couldn't help but feel he could have done more. Could have typed faster, could have worked as back up, could have hacked into the surrounding buildings security feed before foregoing the mission to look out for possible danger. He could have spotted their mark approaching the young agent before Sarah Phillips was stabbed twice in the back.

Another person he couldn't save.

Another person's blood coated his name.

A few weeks later he was teamed with Jane. They lost another.

He had spoken with agents who, although they would deny it, suffered from nightmares so strong they couldn't close their eyes. He was told that with this job it was something to be expected. He would see the faces of lives he had taken. See the end of a mission juxtaposed against the truth. He would see himself as the monster children feared.

He had only one repetitive nightmare. One that he felt foolish for having because he knew it showed him as a weak person.

His mother had taught him from a young age

.

He had only one repetitive nightmare. One that he couldn't talk about because of fear of being considered weak.

His mother once told him that weakness is only something you can contribute to yourself. That if you believed in yourself, even if no one else did, you were the strongest person in the room.

He was never the strongest person in the room.

His nightmare was of losing his new found family.

Which is why he laid down his life for them on more than one occasion.

He had seen the events unfolding and took the moment to chase. He had stopped the man before he could hurt them. He had escaped from the fight with a broken arm and one stab wound. He recovered.

Ethan had called him stupid for chasing after the man on his own. He said that the team was able to back him up, that he didn't have to go after him alone.

He'd never forget the guilt he felt. For scarring them for doing what he thought was right.

His heart stopped.

**-End of Part Two-**

Thank you for reading. Part three may take some time to be posted. Sorry.

Thank you to PeggsterLover and CrazyBeaver for reviewing. Very grateful.


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